Men have been afraid of women since the beginning of humankind. It all started early one Sunday morning, day seven, week one. Adam was just about to step under the waterfall for a quick shower when he realised he was missing a rib. It peeved him that he'd existed only for a week and yet he'd already lost something. He turned to see if he'd accidentally dropped it and - yikes! - Discovered he was no longer alone in paradise.
"You should see the look on your face," the newcomer laughed. "Scared of your own shadow?"
Adam blinked, dazzled by this stranger, who was definitely a human like he was, but a whole lot cooler looking. "Where'd you come from?" he stammered.
"Your rib, duh," she said.
"Well give it back!" he said. "It's part of a set," he added lamely, silently wishing he hadn't.
Eve just stepped closer, eyes a universe, flesh aglow. "Big guy like you," she whispered, "you'll grow a new one in no time. Meanwhile you've got me." She glided even closer to give Adam a really good once-over.
And in that instant, Adam knew his goose was cooked. Terror swept through him, inexplicable fears that, if he were to turn suddenly away, count to ten, then look back, this gorgeous creature might not be there any more - that all of this might be just a dream. Then where would he be? Ever since that day, women have been scaring the pants off men in the following ways...
1. "You are omnivorous and unstoppable"
Men may have bigger bellies, but women have bigger appetites - a fact that really scares them to the core. For example, men experience sex with a quick, powerful intensity but then, just as quickly, they're ready to sleep. Female sexuality, on the other hand, is raw, molten, never dying - volcanic! The same goes for the lust for life. Women can whirlwind through four museums, eat a light lunch, keep up with the kids all afternoon and still have the energy to go dancing at night. A man would be dead by then. And, need we add, there's giving birth. Ask a guy if he's up for pushing a 7lb object through a body aperture the size of a pea and he'll look at you like you're crazy. Guys don't even think about competing in this arena - they just stand back and admire.
2. "You drive like a lunatic"
Maybe it's centuries of oppression suddenly reversed by being at the wheel of a tinted-window people carrier, but it's really scary how some women drive. Tailgating is bad enough, but women do it with a mobile phone in one hand and a Diet Coke in the other while steering with their knees. And it usually works - which is especiallyterrifying.
3. "You have total recall"
A woman's steel-trap mind is terrifying to a guy because his simply doesn't work the same way. A woman can recite incriminating details from any argument in the history of the relationship - like in college when he accused her of sleeping with her drama teacher, Mr Plumbean. Gay Mr Plumbean. Or the time when he was watching Baywatchseven years ago and turned to her B-cups and asked, "What's so bad about boob jobs, again?" He might vaguely recall that there was once a tiff, but he hasn't a clue what it was about. He'd like to suggest that she is making it all up, that he couldn't possibly have been so stupid or uncaring or uncouth. But he knows that, if necessary, her Super Female Memory can be checked and will always be accurate. Better to simply agree to never again do that thing she said he did - whatever it was.
4. "We will die, but you will live on and on..."
Women outlive men by about 15 years, which means you'll inherit all their stuff, then go through their computer files and find out how sick they really were. Then you'll read their diaries and tell your girlfriends how they were once afraid of the dark or screamed like a girl when they saw a mouse run across the kitchen. And you'll give their entire comic book collection - including the complete Rat Men Of Mars series - to a jumble sale.
5. "Sometimes you turn into a shopping zombie"
The typical professional woman can spend the equivalent of the annual budget of Belgium on a pair of shoes, a bag and a top. One season later, she will give the outfit away to some second-hand shop, where it will be resold for around £5, which is what it was really worth in the first place. Women seem to enjoy their intrepid shopping pursuits. It's like ice climbing: wildly impractical, dangerous and exhilarating. And terrifying for a partner to watch.
6. "You torture men for information before you'll have sex"
"Can't we just fall into bed and have wild, nameless sex like those hippies did in the 70's?" Men suspect that they're weirdoes to begin with - they don't want to reveal too much about their pasts and have a woman confirm it! Besides that 'stuff' you want to know is personal! Whatever your name is.
7. "There's no escaping your verbal booby traps"
For a woman to simply say what she means would be the equivalent of her going shopping, buying the first outfit she sees without trying it on and loving it when she gets home. Unthinkable. For example, "Did you hear something?" doesn't mean that. It means, "Get up, go outside in your underwear and see if that's an axe murderer."
8. "Your psyche is a secret safe we can never crack"
It's humiliating for men that women can read them better than they can read women. You know they're immature, gross, frivolous and enslaved to their lower passions. This makes them uncomfortable. But what's really chilling is that they have no real idea of what would make you happy. What should they get you for your birthday? What could they possibly say at the right moment that would make you suddenly laugh and look at them with gratitude and recognition?
9. "Scariest of all, we need you as much as you need us"
Boys learn life's most important lesson in primary school: girls have what we want. A man looks to a woman for sex, a sense of station, a mother, a friend, sex, someone to go to a movie with. But! Women need something very important in exchange: help raising the next generation of the human race. Yet to men, this is a seriously scary proposition involving lifelong commitment - the mere idea of which can make them gibber unintelligibly in the middle of the night.
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