War

No more loneliness. Just an invisible boundary that I cannot surpass no matter what effort I put in. Actually, I will rephrase. No more loneliness of the heart – because all other kinds are still present.

My heart has put up a terrible war on two fronts: love and loneliness. It’s a fight with no survivors. It’s a fight, which is dipped in lies, mysteries, fast encounters and a heavy past looking towards a gloomy future. It’s a fight. A fight – lost. It’s getting darker and darker, no matter how light we need to appear to each other.

Kisses… Your kisses… They make my skin want to engulf you in its roots. Your breath on my neck is like the breath of a dragon burning me up. And the touch of your hand all over my body casts a magic spell I cannot shake off. I remember your look when you want me… It’s like you’re a beast wanting to tear its prey apart. Like you’re a lion and I am a lamb waiting for you to savor my taste and enjoy it. I’m a lamb happy to be eaten. Wanting it even. You grab me, pin me down and work your way around my body. Combining lips with fingertips, and teeth with soft whispers.

I can see Love, making small appearances while I’m lost into your eyes, but then it runs away. I run away when you hold my hand. I run towards an empty church, a shelter. All the guests are present. It’s only empty because you’re not there. However you’re standing next to me.

A poem, a story and then a heartbreak. Say you love me. But be careful because I might do something crazy… like believe it.

A dream of all that… all the bad things. I ask for reassurance – but I get a plain playful play list of pop. ‘P’… Like your initials. ‘P’ has suddenly become a part of me. A part of my own language. The language of letters, thoughts and revelations.

The ‘one’ before the ‘one.’ The ‘one’ that defines ‘one.’

I say that I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone. You smile. As if you know what I’m talking about. Fear. That’s what I’m talking about. The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind. I fear you – you intimidate me the most. Only because I cannot or maybe don’t want to set boundaries.

As if the music, in all its majesty is created by your fingers. I am the piano. You touch me and I cry out the notes. I put them on paper and you play them for me. On me.

The battle is still on. I can’t get my hands off of you. Not because I need you, but because I want you to want me. I don’t feel anything for you – at least anything real. I don’t love you. I don’t really think about you. I don’t even get butterflies. I just know that I belong somewhere around you. A kind of intuition.

I set the reminder for the next call. It’s not that I forget. I even appreciate you. Frozen in my warmth. I seem to get a bit lost with daily life. Routines, do’s and wishes, only you’re not officially there.

Let me rephrase. It’s a fight, a battle royal between my heart against loneliness and love. If I were my heart, I would kill myself. I think my heart lives in fear of loving again. And there’s nothing more dangerous for a human than a broken heart that tells you to be lonely.

It’s my job to delve into the uncomfortable, the difficult and the challenging. It’s a job that doesn’t pay very well…