Time

Right now, I can do anything. Except of course to think clearly. I am on an imaginary drive in the streets of an unknown city. I see modern buildings mixed with Victorian architecture. I see lights shouting at me “your time is now… join us.” The lights almost welcome me to the other side. I feel – more like sense – I am soon going to crash.

Then, as if in a dream, I sail on a vast ocean. The waves are calm and the wind is slow. Still scared though, I hear my breath wheezing as if I’ve been crying for hours.

Someone taps my shoulder. Gives me a kiss on the neck and listens carefully to my heavy breathing. I am stained by his perfume. A familiar song is heard through the window. It’s like a spell an evil wizard casts upon me and I’m back to my driving through the Unknown city. People pass by with great speeds, the word ‘future’ terrifies them and they never look at each other in the eye.

It is difficult to express your feelings in this city. No one seems to speak the same language. They don’t have buses, but shuttles that only carry one person at a time. Like their ideas, shuttles are not to be shared. The only company they have is their own self and the mixed view of buildings. Buildings… our legacy…

And then, the earthquake happened. I was awakened to the reality. No, I was forced back to the reality. Dragged by the feet on a stone covered pavement. The word ‘future’… such a terrible word. Fu…tu…re. Can’t time stop for a while?

I’ve dodged this bullet of a question long enough, and as I cringe at the thought, I am hit. I can’t stand by in silence any longer. The death is inevitable. It is slow. Painful? Weird. There’s something about death that is comforting. The thought that you could die tomorrow frees you to appreciate life now. Divisions, bonds, honesty, conventions, age, forces, here and now, society, labels and the words that love don’t always make sense. Guilt. Feelings. The masterpiece of the human brain: poetry and communication, life and its representations, ideals and history.

If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise. Destiny is no matter of chance. It is a matter of choice. It is not a thing to be waited for; it is a thing to be achieved. When you make the right choices in the present, you have a good past and the ability to anticipate a better future. Future…

Suddenly I am furious at myself. How could I allow my imagination to go that far? Will I fall in love with his strength and then love him for his weaknesses? Mastering others is strength. Mastering yourself is true power. And I am powerless. Will he love me for that? I am blocked. Declare this an emergency. Time is running out. As if a sick clown has broken the notion of an hourglass. Sand fills my hands, covers me fully but I somehow manage to breathe. I hold on to the memories tightly. Memories are the only thing that doesn’t change when everything else does.

I want to be politically correct and honest at the same time. Something that in this society is not likely to ever happen. Such a twisted term… politically correct. The saddest aspect of life right now is that science gathers knowledge faster than society gathers wisdom.

I am totally and utterly confused. Both terrified and in absolute bliss. Distracted and unnerved. Relaxed and tense at the same time. My aims? None. My expectations? Non-existent.

I am fragile and yet strong like steel.

Not all scars show, not all wounds heal.

Sometimes you can’t see the pain someone feels.

As if a doctor tries to anesthetize me. I am almost at ease. Tranquil.

Until the next wave is born. Until the next step is taken. Suddenly. A torrent of thoughts overwhelms me. Right now, I cannot do anything.